If Only

Aaaarghhh.

It's one of those days again. There is so much cramped up in that little nutcase i have for a head, it's driving me crazy. There is so much i want to say but all i can hear is a loud, shrill buzz in my head. Needless to say, i hate it. If only i could mute this mind numbing drill in my head. If only T would reply to my messages. If only i could keep my ego aside and message him again. Sigh. If only i could go to sleep right now.

I'm not sure what triggerred this nauseating feeling. It could be those millions of pictures i have seen on facebook in the past two hours. Or it could be trying to not hate that cute kid i drove to tears in Mc D. It could also be worrying about good old future.

I feel shitty. I don't wanna write but i'm doing it. I hate the way this reads. This is not how i imagined by BIG comeback in blogosphere. This is just wrong! Life is wrong! If only we could all be perfect little beings, with out perfect little lives exclusively sewn to perfection. Sadly, we got a gamer instead of a tailor, and we became the game instead of the owner of that piece of cloth called life. I know it's a shitty comparison but what else can one expect from someone feeling so morose and there's no other word for it, crappy.

I wanna stay here, and i wanna go back to Delhi just as much. Maybe a little more than i want to stay here because this time, there's an incentive i'd do just about anything for. I shudder at the thought of not having those big, chiselled, warm arms to walk into. I shudder at the thought of not being able to go to Delhi after an year. It won't be the same with him coming to Jaipur instead of Delhi, that is if that happens at all. I'll miss life as i know it and love it now.

And even if we work things out for a few years to come, what's next?

I will, in all likelihood, have to wake up one morning to a life without him. How will i survive that? How will he? If only life was a perfect dress; made to fit, even as you gained weight over time.